a lot of things that have happened to me this semester i cant write about on this blog
Suffice it to say i have had a semester full of parties, interesting incidents, and a high school popular guy who turned out to be in love with me (cant say who lol)
College has been an amazing experience. I often remember when I came up to Logan for SOAR and I did not want to move up here because of my then-boyfriend, and my mother told me how she was jealous that I was starting my college career and I didnt really understand what she meant.
But in a typical millennial fashion I think i have 'found myself' during my formative adult years. I have found a fashion sense that I really love, and I have found a career path that I am so stoked to be pursuing. But most importantly I have found a grounded sense of self that simply could not exist when I lived in Orem.
As i explained to my then-boyfriend when we went to lunch a couple of weeks ago (i know, how mature and sensible am I?????) : when I moved to Logan I was in an environment in which I could cultivate my deepest sense of self.
I know. SO millennial.
ANY way. Junior semester has been really good. I have enjoyed my classes immensely, and I have kissed 6 people (go me!)
Its been really interesting to make up for all the partying I didnt do in high school.
Everyone is equal in college, and I have enjoyed every instant.
Pictures!
Not pictured : 4/6 of the people *sunglasses emoji*
I am immensely excited to see what life has in store for me
SO i kind of sucked at writing on this once a month.
I have a tendency to only want to write when my life is seemingly extremely happy.
also im like, REALLY EFFING BUSY.
what does it say that i have had literally zero time to write until now?????
Soooo a summation of my life since January!
I guess it would be important to say that I became single in March.
I also got a tinder about a month later. Its definitely been one of the weirder experiences of my life
As an introvert I have never put myself out there in the realm of dating (case in point I dated and kissed ONE person in the entirety of high school)
Honestly it is quite exhausting and I periodically cancel dates just because the effort of social interaction is too tiring.
BUT ive been on about 17 dates. some good, lots ehhhh. My first one was downright terrible. On
every single date I have spread the good word of feminism, enlightened some minds and also have gotten a more solid idea of what I want in a companion.
I could write dozens (well 17 lolz) of posts about the types of people i have met. The guy who vehemently argued with me and trivialized the pursuit of social justice and for some reason I didnt want to leave. The extremely existential (and HOT) guy who bought me lemonade at the crepery. the extremely tall cowboy who was conservative but uncharacteristically open minded. The engineer from california who could pick me up. My repetitive match down in Provo. The list goes on.
Besides it being fun, tinder has really pushed me to my limits of sociality. I really do prefer to spend a lot of my time alone / working. Dating has never been a huge priority for me so I have never really learned how to do it. Tinder has been teaching me, I suppose.
I does feel rather silly to write about a dating app as some kind of meta, crux experience in my life. Its not so much about the social aspect, but about the process of becoming the person I want to be (yes i realize how dorky and stereotypical that sounds). Ive always been very quiet when meeting new people and Im slowing learning how to immediately be my actual self instead of making other humans earn their way in.
Its an incredibly liberating feeling to wholly give ones personality freely.
Im getting introspective tho. Ive watched too many indie movies on netflix today.
PS thats a picture of a date i was on that my squad SHOWED UP TO
So besides the exciting world of tinder, Ive been going to school and working, basically.
Spring semester was basically the worst thing ever. I was in calculus 2, stats 300, spanish 3040, ecology and chem 2
I HAD TO TAKE 5 CUMULATIVE FINALS PEOPLE. FIVE.
k but honestly as much as I complain, I find school to be an absolute joy. I am so happy with my choice to be in school for the next 10 or so years ( she said with clenched teeth )
ummm there isnt a whole bunch to say about the rest of my sophomore year. I met people, I moved out of my hell hole of an apartment. my bff got engaged and moved away.
This was the last semester with Caitlyn and Connor, whom i got to spend a year with before they moved back to wyoming.
I learned a lot about loss and love that semester. people always talk about relationship break ups, but rarely mention how heart-wrenching it is to watch your rock of a best friend fade away from you.
Such is life though. an excerpt from my journal : although I am introverted and love my alone time, I do tend to feel lonely sometimes. my friends all lead their own lives that rarely seem to coincide with mine, and that sometimes creates an ache.
spring semester 2015 was all about learning who i am and also how to live my own life. another excerpt: I could never become a byproduct of someone else's life. i have to unapologetically be myself and those who want to participate will.
After finishing my spring semester of 18 credits, a long distance relationship, and working 35+ hours a week, I received a meager 1 week break before going at it again.
Anatomy was life for 7 weeks. i absolutely loooooved that class though. I am so incredibly excited to be a doctor. one realization though: STUDY . ugh so much.
Lols @ a rare picture of Cody and I actually studying.
FOR those of you who want to know, this semester I am taking O Chem, Physics (for engineers eff my life), sociology, psychology of gender and spanish 3550. so that is going to suck.
So I have noticed this weird pattern in my life where each year things have gotten marginally better. for example. During the Christmas break of my freshman year I was alone for basically the entire thing. I stayed in my apartment and worked only 4 shifts a week and I had no friends and no boyfriend. I went on a lot of walks through the snow and basically waited for it to be over. This past Christmas break though, I finished my finals and went to Salt Lake with a really good friend of mine, then went to Florida for 10 days with my soon to be bf and his friends and had a magical time, and then came home to my real adult job and my squad.
The same thing happened this summer. Last summer I lived in an apartment with no social scene at all. I watched netflix until I had to work and I went on runs until my shins gave out. I went through something terrible. But this summer, even though I was short a couple of people (cait got married, sunny did his magic money thing all summer and jacob worked for nasa), I was able to make it a great summer.
There is a lot of stress to 'find yourself' during college, and while I still lived at home I always thought that was silly. I already knew who i was, right? But honestly I had no idea. a completely different person comes out when actual life happens.
Sometimes it scares me.
Going through life as a person not very good at expressing emotion, I have watched myself get harder in certain areas of my life.
For example, very recently I discovered that a guy I had been talking to and maybe liking was considered a 'player' in a lot of social circles. During high school, this would have destroyed me. I would have been so mad at myself for letting a guy like that get to me. But now? I was all ehhh, am i not doing the exact same thing? Arent we all just looking for someone to make the loneliness go away? Why should it matter to me if he talks to other girls. No one owes me anything, certainly not some guy I have virtually no ties to.
I dont know if it is my perspective changing or me becoming calloused and hard due to the rough wind of life. my parents always tell me that i will understand when I become a parent. but i dont want to. I want to always hold on to the perspective I had when i was young and innocent. I want to take all the pieces of my life and treat them all with the same measure. I am in love with the person I am today, but who says I wont be in love with her in 5 years down the road? Maybe self love is all about being in love with whoever you are at the moment, just because she is authentically you.
WOAH okay i sound like the crepery guy.
BUT seriously guys. that trope about all college kids being so existential and wild is TRUE. we are all just trying to get a grasp on who we are before being thrust into the grey world of adulthood. As I grow and become older, I really do not ever want to lose the wonder I have felt through making a life for myself. which brings me to more pictures!
majestic
k friends that all for now. hopefully I will write sooner than like 8 months later but yall know how I do. anyway heres wonderwall
JUST KIDDING ITS PANIC BITCHES
and ya know, putting aside all the theological crap, heres what ive actually been doing all summer
